I’ve only done this twice before: once, in a post defending Lori Gottlieb’s “Marry Him,” and a second time, in a post explaining my opposition to Rori Raye’s “Circular Dating.” These were the only two times that I remember being equally frustrated at how something was being misconstrued that I needed to take an hour and go through a bullet point by bullet point dissection of my original thesis.
Now I know that writing this is not going to change a thing. First of all, here was the premise of my original post: “You want to find out if a man is serious about you? If you don’t – because you’re a liberated woman who can have sex whenever you damn well please – don’t be too surprised if a decent percentage of those men never call again.
Although the story is not that simple and clear-cut, I have discovered some interesting reasons why this is the case – and why it matters to doing research on sexual health.
Lying is an inherent aspect of reporting sexual behaviors.
Birds do it, bees do it, and men do it any old time. The sources of women's libidos, by contrast, are much harder to pin down.
Sewell’s argument assumes that we women have lower sex drives because we have less testosterone than men—it’s natural, game over, let’s go eat chocolate.
People who were irked by the concept that women should make men invest more before having sex are still probably going to be irked – but at least I’ll know that I gave it my best shot to illustrate my arguments effectively. Again, I’m not remotely judgmental of those who have sex without commitment; I will only point out as a dating coach that it tends to lead to sub-optimal results from men because they didn’t have to do anything special to get into bed with you.” I can’t see anything about which one can argue. 🙂 Below are some of the comments I received (in italics), along with my responses.
“What about having sex for the sheer joy of it without any agenda and expectation? If you can have sex for the sheer joy of it without any agenda and expectation, then my advice to hold out for a commitment should be completely irrelevant. As irrelevant as me wondering how often I should get a mammogram. If advice doesn’t apply to you, then you can absolutely ignore it.
It means I don’t have to pick my partners based on their libidos.
Sex and relative libidos, like everything else in a relationship, end up in compromise. Elizabeth I’m sure (or at least I hope) you’re getting a flood of responses from women who want sex constantly—you do play to a particular crowd, after all.
What you can’t do is argue with advice that is not intended for you.